Unusual Ways to Turn a Profit
Stephen Bishop
Life is full of little ironies. Last year I was on a podcast—and get this, the name of the podcast was Farm4Profit. They needed someone to do a segment on beekeeping, and somehow they found me. Apparently, they didn’t know I have a blog called The Misfit Farmer, where I dispense questionable farming advice and mostly enumerate the many ways I’ve lost money farming, beekeeping being one of them. Instead, because I write for a beekeeping magazine, they thought I was a beekeeping expert, obviously having never read any of my articles, which would have quickly dispelled them of that belief. The point here, though, is I feel like I short-changed the nice guys at Farm4Profit (when they’re not interviewing me, the podcast is very high-quality and I recommend it for anyone interested in agriculture). Admittedly, I was nervous, having never been on a podcast before, so I’d like to make it up to them by providing some surefire ways to turn a profit.
The great news is I’m often too busy chasing swarms over the horizon to fool with paperwork, so I haven’t filed for patents on any of these lucrative ideas yet. That means you’re free to make millions off them without worrying about patent infringement. In fact, just a nice hand-written note and 10% royalty on sales for perpetuity is all I ask. So without further ado, I present your path to future fame and fortune (don’t everyone rush to apply for Shark Tank all at once).
Biodegradable Diapers with a Built-in Wildflower Mix. Just let your baby add fertilizer, then plant, water, and wala! In a few months you’ll have a little tuft of wildflowers for your favorite vase.
Organic Clay-Doh. Put red clay in a little plastic cup and market it as Organic Clay-Doh, an all-natural alternative to Play-Doh. The only downside I see is a wall of little red clay handprints (can’t be worse than a floor with red clay bootprints). New Shark Tank Idea: a cleaner that removes red clay bootprints effectively enough that your wife doesn’t threaten to put new locks on the door and banish you to the barn.
Stingers Home Security Company. Place mean bee hives at strategically-placed positions around houses to deter home invaders. Possible slogan for company: “Who needs an alarm when you have alarm pheromone?”
Whirlpool Washer/Extractor Combo. For a piece of equipment that only gets used a couple of times a year, honey extractors are big and take up a lot of space. A honey extractor that doubles as a washing machine the rest of the year would sell like hotcakes to hobby beekeepers.
Beemorang. A hive tool shaped like a boomerang. When you accidentally sling your hive tool into the atmosphere because a bee just performed a torture technique by inserting its stinger under your fingernail, the hive tool will return to you. When using the beemorang, it’s recommended that you wear a veil/helmet combo to prevent accidental concussions.
The Lil’ Loader Seat. If you’re tired of toting your offspring around the farm or pushing them in the stroller, the Lil’ Loader Seat, a baby car seat for your tractor’s front-end-loader, is for you.
Kudzu Cologne. Ever traipsed through a kudzu patch beside a pond while searching for a jon boat now hidden by vegetation? Well, I have. And I can tell you that kudzu has a pleasant aroma. Plus, kudzu would be a very easy crop to grow.
Cow Obedience College. Tired of having to reimburse your neighbors for the shrubbery your fugitive cows ate? That’s not a problem when your cows have graduated from Cow Obedience College. A cow with an accredited degree from Cow Obedience College will learn to respect fences, no matter how dilapidated, and never chew cud with their mouth open.
Yoga with bees. I’m not sure if you know this, but there’s a new trend sweeping America in which full grown adults pay to do the downward dog with goats. But if a person really wants to practice controlled breathing, a bee yard would be the proper place to do it. Let’s be honest, bees value slow deliberate movements more than goats.
Anyway, the above are all surefire ways to turn a profit farming. Or, at least, in theory they should. That said, both farming and beekeeping are a lot easier to do in theory than in practice.
Stephen Bishop is a beekeeper and humor writer, specializing in agricultural antics. You can read more of his work at misfitfarmer.com or follow him on Twitter @themisfitfarmer.
